A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon. That way a
woman can be at her best when she is at her worst.
What do you say to a virgin when she
sneezes?
Goes-in-tight!
What does a 72-year-old snatch taste
like?
Depends...
What's "68"?
You do me and I owe you one.
What did Cinderella do when she got to
the ball?
Gagged!
What do you call a man who cries while
he masturbates?
A tearjerker.
Have you heard about the new
supersensitive condoms?
They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.
Define "Egghead "
What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.
What happened to the Pope when he went
to Mount Olive?
Popeye almost killed him!
Why do they say that eating yogurt and
oysters will improve your sex life?
Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
How many perverts does it take to put in
a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!
KY Jelly has jumped on the Millennium
bandwagon with the slogan for their new product: "Y2K-Y Jelly :
when you want to put four digits where only two could fit
before!"
Did you hear about the male prostitute
who got leprosy?
He did okay until his business fell off.
What did the Indian say when the white
man tied his penis in a knot?
"How come?"
How do you piss off Winnie The
Pooh?
By sticking your finger in his honey.
Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.
What's the definition of a
teenager?
God's punishment for enjoying sex.
Hear the slogan for the Stealth
Condom?
"They'll never see you coming."
What's the definition of a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.
What two words will clear out a men's
restroom?
"Nice Dick!"
What do you call a truckload of
vibrators?
Toys for Twats.
What do you call kinky sex with
chocolate?
S&M&M.
What's the definition of eternity?
The length of time between when YOU come and SHE leaves.
Why do we have orgasms?
How else would we know when to stop?
What's the definition of
indefinitely?
When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you're
in...definitely!
What do Kodak film have in common with
condoms?
Both capture the moment.
My sister is asthmatic. Last week in the
middle of an attack she got an obscene phone call. (pause) He said,
"Did I call you or did you call me?"
Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!
Mom's have Mother's Day, father's have
Father's Day. What do single guys have?
Palm Sunday.
Why is being in the military like a
blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
What do you call twelve naked men
sitting on each others shoulders?
A scrotum pole!
What's the ultimate in rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
There'd be too many thank you notes to write.
How can you get AIDS from a toilet
seat?
By sitting down before the last guy gets up.
There's no business like show business,
but there's no job like a blowjob.
What do a dildo and soy beans have in
common?
They are both used as substitutes for meat.
What do you call kids born in
whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.
What is every Amish woman's private
fantasy?
Two Mennonite!
Have you heard about that blind
hooker?
You've gotta hand it to her!
What did the cannibal get when he was
late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.
How did Pinocchio find out he was made
of wood?
His hand caught fire.
Why is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.
What do a coffin and a condom have in
common?
They're both filled with stiffs, but you come in one, and go in the
other!
Can you say three two-letter words that
mean small?
Is it in?
How are airplanes and women alike?
They both have cockpits.
What do you call a ninety-year-old man
who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip.
What has a whole bunch of little balls
and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.
What do you call a smiling Roman with
pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator!
What did the hurricane say to the
coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob!
How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker.
What is the similarity between a woman
and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
By the time you've finished with the breasts and thighs, all you have
left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
Why do you get paid more at the Sperm
Bank than at the Blood Bank?
Sperm is handmade.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look
good?
Put a nipple on it.
What should you do if you girlfriend
starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.
What's the difference between a tire and
365 used rubbers?
One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.
If Eve wore a fig leaf, what did Adam
wear?
A hole in it.
What's the difference between oral sex
and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your whole day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist
colony?
It's not hard.
Did you hear about the flasher who was
thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year!
When does a cub become a boy
scout?
When he eats his first Brownie.
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What did the banana say to the
vibrator?
What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat me!
How many men does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
One...men will screw anything.
What is the difference between "ooooooh"
and "aaaaaaah"?
About three inches.
What does Popeye do to keep his favorite
tool from rusting?
Sticks it in Olive Oyl.
What is the definition of wicker
box?
It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.
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