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I asked my wife if she'd love me when I was old and useless...
She said "Of course I do"
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Here's today's joke
~~~
One day Tim complained to his friend,
"My elbow really hurts. I guess I should go see a doctor."
His friend says,
"Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can
diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put
in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your
problem and tell you what to do about it, and it only costs
$10."
Tim figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with
urine and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he
poured in the sample and deposited the $10 bucks. The computer
started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which
read:
* You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid
heavy labor.
* You will heal in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was
and how it would change medical science forever, he began to
wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a
try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from the
dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it
off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in
the sample and deposited the $10 bucks. The machine made the
usual noises, flashed its lights, and printed out the following
analysis:
* Your tap water is too hard. Get a softener.
* Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
* Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehab clinic.
* Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get
a lawyer.
* AND if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never heal.
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"Dennis, how come you're using two caddies today?"
"Cause my wife tells me that I don't spend enough time with my
kids."
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Here is today's joke;
~~~
Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two
spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"
"They're mating, Lucy" he replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" Lucy asked.
"Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs."
Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is
a Mommy Longlegs?"
Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them
flat.
"Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!"
~~~
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A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says,
"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!!"
The wife says, "Wow! That's great! I'm so happy! Should I pack
for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?"
He says, "I don't care. Just get the hell out!"
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Here is today's joke;
~~~
A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class
is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying
attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite
embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been
circumcised and he's quite itchy.
The teacher has him go down to the principal's office to phone
his mom, and ask her what he should do about it.
He does this, returns to the class, sits down in his seat and
suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room.
Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with
his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom," she says.
"I did," he says, "and she told me that if I could
stick it
out till noon she'd come and pick me up from school."
~~~
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My last girlfriend claimed I was 'Too intense' . . .
. . . so I stared at her until she cried.
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Here is today's joke;
~~~
Jim and Ethel had started their retirement years and decided
to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their
two-up two-down terrace house.
After a few days an attractive young woman applies for the
room and explains that she is a model working in a nearby
studio downtown for a few weeks and that she would like the
room for Mondays thru Thursdays, but would pay for the whole
week.
Ethel shows her the house and they agree to start straight
away.
"There's just one problem," explains the model.
"Because of my
job I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't
have a bath."
"That's not a problem," replies Ethel, "we have a tin
bath out
in the yard and we bring it in to the living room, in front of
the fire, and fill it with hot water."
"What about your husband?" asks the model.
"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he'll be out in the
evenings," replies Ethel.
"Good," says the model, "that's settled. I'll go to the
studio
and see you tonight."
That evening Jim dutifully goes to his darts match whilst
Ethel prepares the bath for the model. After stripping off,
the model steps into the bath and Ethel is amazed to see that
she has no pubic hair.
The model notices Ethel's staring eyes, smiles and explains
that it is part of her job to shave herself especially when
modeling swim wear or underclothes.
Later when Jim returns, Ethel relates this oddity and he does
not believe her.
"It's true, I tell you," says Ethel. "Look, if you
don't
believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly
open and you can peek in and see for yourself."
The next night Jim leaves as usual and Ethel prepares the bath
for the model. As the model steps naked into the bath, Ethel,
standing behind her, looks towards the curtains, and points
towards the model's hairless crotch. Then she lifts up her
skirt and wearing no panties, points to her own hairy thatch.
Later Jim returns and they retire to bed. "Well do you believe
me now?" she asks Jim.
"Yes," he replies. "I've never seen anything like it in
my
life. But, why did you lift up your skirt and show yours too?
"Just to show you the difference," answers Ethel, "but
anyway
you've seen me with no knickers on thousands of times."
"Yes," says Jim, "I have...but the rest of the f*cking
darts
team haven't!
~~~
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You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose . . .
but you can't wipe your friends on the couch.
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Here is today's joke;
~~~
After watching sales falling off for three straight months at
Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks
for a favor.
The Pope says, "What can I do?"
The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from,
'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our
daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars
to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I
can not change the words."
So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales,
the Colonel panics, and calls again.
"Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll give
you $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily
prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us
this day our daily chicken.'"
And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders.
The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It
would help us support many charities. But, again, I must
decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the
words."
So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of
terrible sales. the Colonel gets desperate.
"This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the
words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily
bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate
$100 million to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you." So the next day,
the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I
have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is
that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican." The
bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.
The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder
Bread account."
~~~
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