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TO: Public release
RE: Organizational Changes
Effective immediately, the
following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days
of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained,
but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It
will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable
savings in maintenance;
The two turtle doves represent
a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their
romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are
therefore eliminated;
The three French hens will
remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;
The four calling birds were
replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting
option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been
calling, how often and how long they talked;
The five golden rings have been
put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based
on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional
investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix
of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order;
The six geese-a-laying
constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been
felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an
example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go,
and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure
management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;
The seven swans-a-swimming is
obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily
decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be
retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their
outplacement;
As you know, the eight
maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A
male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more
militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility.
Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending,
a-mentoring or a-mulching;
Nine ladies dancing has always
been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these
individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;
Ten Lords-a-leaping is
overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air
travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this
group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be
somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an
oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;
Eleven pipers piping and twelve
drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A
substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no
uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom
line;
We can expect a substantial
reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though
incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve
days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels
will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's
association seeking expansion to include the legal profession
("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond
consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay
competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to
scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right
number.
Happy Holidays!
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