I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer
be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the
overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
re-negotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.
I now serve only certain areas
of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new
and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so
keep that in mind. However, I'm certain your children will be in good
hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin,
Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares
my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however,
there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a
Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on
his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured
by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies,
Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or
a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips
a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit cup handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is
pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made
the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and
Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On
Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus
arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on
Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has
been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear
Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern
highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety
triangle on the back with the words "Back off" The last I
heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is
a Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the
other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth
Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie
classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a
Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing
area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and
"Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba
Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a
belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn
the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely
Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The
Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming
to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all
the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark
Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma
Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus (member of North
American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
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