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I think Santa Claus is a woman.
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a
big,organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough
time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority
of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco
products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On
this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a man,
everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a
rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa
would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer,
because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear
bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season
had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the
taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have
reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would
inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds, and then refuse
to stop and ask for directions.
Other reasons why Santa can't
possibly be a man: -Men can't pack a bag. -Men would rather be dead
than be caught wearing red velvet. -Men would feel their masculinity
is threatened, having to be seen with all those elves. -Men don't
answer their mail. -Men would refuse to allow their physique to be
described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a
"bowlful of jelly." -Men aren't interested in stockings
unless a female is wearing them. -Having to do the Ho, Ho, Ho thing
would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for
Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other
mythical holiday characters are men: - Father Time shows up once a
year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. - Cupid flies around
carrying weapons. - Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point
fingers.
Any one of these individuals
could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a
chance.
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